I suffer from depression, something of course I don't like, but I'm not ashamed to admit it. Beginning in adolescence, then through college and beyond, I had what I call garden variety depression - a general sense of unhappiness about my life and myself. I began no see a psychiatrist during my sophomore year in college because I was so torn up inside that I was spending hours a day on my dorm bed curled up in the fetal position. Depression is exhausting; it strips you of energy and enthusiasm. And it's not just about feeling down; it's classified by health professionals as a mental illness.
In my twenties I would have said that depression is something that's kind of in the air - like what was called vapors in the Middle Ages. I know now that it is really about brain chemistry.
In 1996 I suffered a massive stroke, after which I became despondent, obsessing about being disabled and then deciding I wanted to end my life. I had what used to be called a nervous breakdown. My psychiatrist put me in the psych unit ("mental ward") until I could get well enough to return home. She said the reason that people who are suicidal are put in the hospital is so that they will be safe and their medications can be monitored, and adjusted if necessary. I was already taking Effexor, the drug we settled on after I tried - and rejected - Paxil and Zoloft. Dr. F. told me that even though I had a depressive personality before the stroke, I now suffered from post-stroke depression, an entirely distinct clinical diagnosis. I still suffer from it, twelve years after the blood clot lodged in the right parietal lobe of my brain. And even though with the help of therapy and medication I have achieved some degree of normalcy, every once in a while the bottom drops out again - as it did last night.
I don't know what happened, but after I went to bed I couldn't stop obsessing about my life being of little worth (note: this is not the same as feeling suicidal. I KNOW what that feels like and I know to get help if that happens). The ironic thing is that just yesterday I received praise of the highest order from several different people I interact with personally and professionally. They just think Grant is the greatest, but inside I don't feel so great - I just want to crawl in a hole and hide. I ended up lying in bed awake all night until 7:00 a.m., at which time I called a friend and told him how rotten I felt. He asked what about, and I ended up spouting off about how I was in the best physical condition of my life in 1996. I worked out every day on my lunch hour, using Cybex machines for muscle, lap swimming for aerobics, and tennis for the sheer fun of it. And there I was, playing sets on the rooftop courts at the Athletic Club at One Cleveland Center, and other men watching me play would actually approach me and ask if I would play them. Since the rule of thumb in tennis, like other sports, is to find someone at or above your level of play, I was obviously being approached by men who either thought I was as good as they were or better than they were. Something like this had never happened in my life before. In sports since junior High I was always the skinny unco-ordinated one who didn't know the rules, would drop the ball, or get killed playing defense. When I quit high school PE to join the tennis team I felt liberated. I practiced and practiced and practiced - and the main friend I played with was a classmate who was just enough better than I was that we both got a good workout when playing matches.
So last night I'm lying in my bed, staring at the ceiling in the dark, and obsessing on my losses instead of focusing on my gains. It was a real bitch. Fortunately I have tools to help me and I know how to use them. So I can say now, twenty four hours after the clouds moved in, I am feeling just enough better to take an Ambien and go to bed, listening to some soft music, wondering what the morning will bring.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Inauguration benediction by the Rev. Joseph Lowery
God of our weary years, God of our silent tears, thou who has brought us thus far along the way, thou who has by thy might led us into the light, keep us forever in the path, we pray, lest our feet stray from the places, our God, where we met thee, lest our hearts, drunk with the wine of the world, we forget thee. Shadowed beneath thy hand may we forever stand -- true to thee, O God, and true to our native land.
We truly give thanks for the glorious experience we've shared this day. We pray now, O Lord, for your blessing upon thy servant, Barack Obama, the 44th president of these United States, his family and his administration. He has come to this high office at a low moment in the national and, indeed, the global fiscal climate. But because we know you got the whole world in your hand, we pray for not only our nation, but for the community of nations. Our faith does not shrink, though pressed by the flood of mortal ills.
For we know that, Lord, you're able and you're willing to work through faithful leadership to restore stability, mend our brokenness, heal our wounds and deliver us from the exploitation of the poor or the least of these and from favoritism toward the rich, the elite of these.
We thank you for the empowering of thy servant, our 44th president, to inspire our nation to believe that, yes, we can work together to achieve a more perfect union. And while we have sown the seeds of greed -- the wind of greed and corruption, and even as we reap the whirlwind of social and economic disruption, we seek forgiveness and we come in a spirit of unity and solidarity to commit our support to our president by our willingness to make sacrifices, to respect your creation, to turn to each other and not on each other.
And now, Lord, in the complex arena of human relations, help us to make choices on the side of love, not hate; on the side of inclusion, not exclusion; tolerance, not intolerance.
And as we leave this mountaintop, help us to hold on to the spirit of fellowship and the oneness of our family. Let us take that power back to our homes, our workplaces, our churches, our temples, our mosques, or wherever we seek your will.
Bless President Barack, First Lady Michelle. Look over our little, angelic Sasha and Malia.
We go now to walk together, children, pledging that we won't get weary in the difficult days ahead. We know you will not leave us alone, with your hands of power and your heart of love.
Help us then, now, Lord, to work for that day when nation shall not lift up sword against nation, when tanks will be beaten into tractors, when every man and every woman shall sit under his or her own vine and fig tree, and none shall be afraid; when justice will roll down like waters and righteousness as a mighty stream.
Lord, in the memory of all the saints who from their labors rest, and in the joy of a new beginning, we ask you to help us work for that day when black will not be asked to get back, when brown can stick around -- (laughter) -- when yellow will be mellow -- (laughter) -- when the red man can get ahead, man -- (laughter) -- and when white will embrace what is right.
Let all those who do justice and love mercy say amen.
AUDIENCE: Amen!
REV. LOWERY: Say amen --
AUDIENCE: Amen!
REV. LOWERY: -- and amen.
AUDIENCE: Amen! (Cheers, applause.)
END.
We truly give thanks for the glorious experience we've shared this day. We pray now, O Lord, for your blessing upon thy servant, Barack Obama, the 44th president of these United States, his family and his administration. He has come to this high office at a low moment in the national and, indeed, the global fiscal climate. But because we know you got the whole world in your hand, we pray for not only our nation, but for the community of nations. Our faith does not shrink, though pressed by the flood of mortal ills.
For we know that, Lord, you're able and you're willing to work through faithful leadership to restore stability, mend our brokenness, heal our wounds and deliver us from the exploitation of the poor or the least of these and from favoritism toward the rich, the elite of these.
We thank you for the empowering of thy servant, our 44th president, to inspire our nation to believe that, yes, we can work together to achieve a more perfect union. And while we have sown the seeds of greed -- the wind of greed and corruption, and even as we reap the whirlwind of social and economic disruption, we seek forgiveness and we come in a spirit of unity and solidarity to commit our support to our president by our willingness to make sacrifices, to respect your creation, to turn to each other and not on each other.
And now, Lord, in the complex arena of human relations, help us to make choices on the side of love, not hate; on the side of inclusion, not exclusion; tolerance, not intolerance.
And as we leave this mountaintop, help us to hold on to the spirit of fellowship and the oneness of our family. Let us take that power back to our homes, our workplaces, our churches, our temples, our mosques, or wherever we seek your will.
Bless President Barack, First Lady Michelle. Look over our little, angelic Sasha and Malia.
We go now to walk together, children, pledging that we won't get weary in the difficult days ahead. We know you will not leave us alone, with your hands of power and your heart of love.
Help us then, now, Lord, to work for that day when nation shall not lift up sword against nation, when tanks will be beaten into tractors, when every man and every woman shall sit under his or her own vine and fig tree, and none shall be afraid; when justice will roll down like waters and righteousness as a mighty stream.
Lord, in the memory of all the saints who from their labors rest, and in the joy of a new beginning, we ask you to help us work for that day when black will not be asked to get back, when brown can stick around -- (laughter) -- when yellow will be mellow -- (laughter) -- when the red man can get ahead, man -- (laughter) -- and when white will embrace what is right.
Let all those who do justice and love mercy say amen.
AUDIENCE: Amen!
REV. LOWERY: Say amen --
AUDIENCE: Amen!
REV. LOWERY: -- and amen.
AUDIENCE: Amen! (Cheers, applause.)
END.
The inauguration prayer of V. Gene Robinson
O God of our many understandings, we pray that you will…
Bless us with tears – for a world in which over a billion people exist on less than a dollar a day, where young women from many lands are beaten and raped for wanting an education, and thousands die daily from malnutrition, malaria, and AIDS.
Bless us with anger – at discrimination, at home and abroad, against refugees and immigrants, women, people of color, gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people.
Bless us with discomfort – at the easy, simplistic "answers" we've
preferred to hear from our politicians, instead of the truth, about ourselves and the world, which we need to face if we are going to rise to the challenges of the future.
Bless us with patience – and the knowledge that none of what ails us
will be "fixed" anytime soon, and the understanding that our new
president is a human being, not a messiah.
Bless us with humility – open to understanding that our own needs must always be balanced with those of the world.
Bless us with freedom from mere tolerance – replacing it with a genuine respect and warm embrace of our differences, and an understanding that in our diversity, we are stronger.
Bless us with compassion and generosity – remembering that every
religion's God judges us by the way we care for the most vulnerable in the human community, whether across town or across the world.
And God, we give you thanks for your child Barack, as he assumes the office of President of the United States.
Give him wisdom beyond his years, and inspire him with Lincoln's
reconciling leadership style, President Kennedy's ability to enlist our best efforts, and Dr. King's dream of a nation for ALL the people.
Give him a quiet heart, for our Ship of State needs a steady, calm
aptain in these times.
Give him stirring words, for we will need to be inspired and motivated to make the personal and common sacrifices necessary to facing the challenges ahead.
Make him color-blind, reminding him of his own words that under his leadership, there will be neither red nor blue states, but the United States.
Help him remember his own oppression as a minority, drawing on that experience of discrimination, that he might seek to change the lives of those who are still its victims.
Give him the strength to find family time and privacy, and help him remember that even though he is president, a father only gets one shot at his daughters' childhoods.
And please, God, keep him safe. We know we ask too much of our
presidents, and we're asking FAR too much of this one. We know the risk he and his wife are taking for all of us, and we implore you, O good and great God, to keep him safe. Hold him in the palm of your hand – that he might do the work we have called him to do, that he might find joy in this impossible calling, and that in the end, he might lead us as a nation to a place of integrity, prosperity and peace.
AMEN."
Bless us with tears – for a world in which over a billion people exist on less than a dollar a day, where young women from many lands are beaten and raped for wanting an education, and thousands die daily from malnutrition, malaria, and AIDS.
Bless us with anger – at discrimination, at home and abroad, against refugees and immigrants, women, people of color, gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people.
Bless us with discomfort – at the easy, simplistic "answers" we've
preferred to hear from our politicians, instead of the truth, about ourselves and the world, which we need to face if we are going to rise to the challenges of the future.
Bless us with patience – and the knowledge that none of what ails us
will be "fixed" anytime soon, and the understanding that our new
president is a human being, not a messiah.
Bless us with humility – open to understanding that our own needs must always be balanced with those of the world.
Bless us with freedom from mere tolerance – replacing it with a genuine respect and warm embrace of our differences, and an understanding that in our diversity, we are stronger.
Bless us with compassion and generosity – remembering that every
religion's God judges us by the way we care for the most vulnerable in the human community, whether across town or across the world.
And God, we give you thanks for your child Barack, as he assumes the office of President of the United States.
Give him wisdom beyond his years, and inspire him with Lincoln's
reconciling leadership style, President Kennedy's ability to enlist our best efforts, and Dr. King's dream of a nation for ALL the people.
Give him a quiet heart, for our Ship of State needs a steady, calm
aptain in these times.
Give him stirring words, for we will need to be inspired and motivated to make the personal and common sacrifices necessary to facing the challenges ahead.
Make him color-blind, reminding him of his own words that under his leadership, there will be neither red nor blue states, but the United States.
Help him remember his own oppression as a minority, drawing on that experience of discrimination, that he might seek to change the lives of those who are still its victims.
Give him the strength to find family time and privacy, and help him remember that even though he is president, a father only gets one shot at his daughters' childhoods.
And please, God, keep him safe. We know we ask too much of our
presidents, and we're asking FAR too much of this one. We know the risk he and his wife are taking for all of us, and we implore you, O good and great God, to keep him safe. Hold him in the palm of your hand – that he might do the work we have called him to do, that he might find joy in this impossible calling, and that in the end, he might lead us as a nation to a place of integrity, prosperity and peace.
AMEN."
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
HAIL TO THE CHIEF
YES WE DID! There isn't much that will get me out of bed before 8:00 a.m. but there I was by 8:30, transfixed in front of the television along with millions of others in this country and abroad, watching Barack Hussein Obama take the oath of office as the 44th President of the United States of America (I often cringe at the bare term, United States, as Mexico is officially the United States of Mexico - how many can you name?)
There haven't been many times in my life when I've been proud to be an American, but today was one. Everywhere I went I found people excited by today's events - from the desk attendant at the rehab pool I go to, who greeted me with a "YES WE DID! to a young man from my church who said at last he feels safe. And isn't it a nice twist of irony that the leader of the party that is now in power invoked many of the things we traditionally associate with the other party: a strong defense, fiscal soundness and the red white and blue, The outgoing president was today stripped of its failed portfolio by a man of Kenya and Kansas, Hawaii and Indonesia, whose middle name is Hussein, and who embodies in his person the American dream. YES WE CAN - and YES WE DID!
I must add that I am already weary of the comparisons of Obama to Martin Luther King, Jr. and Abraham Lincoln. He is neither. He is his own man and it is unfair to lay upon him a mantle only history can bestow. As the Rev. V. Gene Robinson, the openly gay Episcopal bishiop from New Hampshire said at one of the prayer services, we need to remember that Obama is a human being and not expect him to be superhuman. I am also loathe to mention the fate that befell both Lincoln and King, and we - and the Secret Service and law enforcement officers - must do everything in our power to prevent any harm coming to this promising young man and I invite you to pray with me that God will protect him and his family for many years to come. Frankly, Obama makes me think more of another American martyr, JFK because of his youth, his enthisiasm, his liberal values, and his powerful rhetoric, not to mention his children running around the White House. There was plenty of skepticism - and prejudice in 1961 about electing a Catholic as President, but he proved his detractors wrong, just as I am confident Obama will do in 2009 and beyond.
I enjoy the pomp and pageantry that surround an event such as today's. Some of the highlights for me were the beautiful Capitol building festooned in red, white and blue, the poise of California Senator Dianne Feinstein at the microphone, and Aretha Franklin in her beautiful hat singing My Country, 'Tis of Thee. I also deeply appreciated Colin Powell's words to George Stephanopoulis that "Now we have a President who is qualified and competent (read, dig at Bush), who happens to be African American." Yes indeed. I hope we won't make as much of the color of his skin as the conent of his character.
So here's to the forty-fourth President of the United States of America. God bless Barack Obama, and God bless America!
There haven't been many times in my life when I've been proud to be an American, but today was one. Everywhere I went I found people excited by today's events - from the desk attendant at the rehab pool I go to, who greeted me with a "YES WE DID! to a young man from my church who said at last he feels safe. And isn't it a nice twist of irony that the leader of the party that is now in power invoked many of the things we traditionally associate with the other party: a strong defense, fiscal soundness and the red white and blue, The outgoing president was today stripped of its failed portfolio by a man of Kenya and Kansas, Hawaii and Indonesia, whose middle name is Hussein, and who embodies in his person the American dream. YES WE CAN - and YES WE DID!
I must add that I am already weary of the comparisons of Obama to Martin Luther King, Jr. and Abraham Lincoln. He is neither. He is his own man and it is unfair to lay upon him a mantle only history can bestow. As the Rev. V. Gene Robinson, the openly gay Episcopal bishiop from New Hampshire said at one of the prayer services, we need to remember that Obama is a human being and not expect him to be superhuman. I am also loathe to mention the fate that befell both Lincoln and King, and we - and the Secret Service and law enforcement officers - must do everything in our power to prevent any harm coming to this promising young man and I invite you to pray with me that God will protect him and his family for many years to come. Frankly, Obama makes me think more of another American martyr, JFK because of his youth, his enthisiasm, his liberal values, and his powerful rhetoric, not to mention his children running around the White House. There was plenty of skepticism - and prejudice in 1961 about electing a Catholic as President, but he proved his detractors wrong, just as I am confident Obama will do in 2009 and beyond.
I enjoy the pomp and pageantry that surround an event such as today's. Some of the highlights for me were the beautiful Capitol building festooned in red, white and blue, the poise of California Senator Dianne Feinstein at the microphone, and Aretha Franklin in her beautiful hat singing My Country, 'Tis of Thee. I also deeply appreciated Colin Powell's words to George Stephanopoulis that "Now we have a President who is qualified and competent (read, dig at Bush), who happens to be African American." Yes indeed. I hope we won't make as much of the color of his skin as the conent of his character.
So here's to the forty-fourth President of the United States of America. God bless Barack Obama, and God bless America!
Friday, January 16, 2009
An Open Letter from Barack Obama to his daughters
'What I Want for You — and Every Child
in America' By President-elect Barack Obama
Parade Magazine: Publication Date: 01/14/2009
Dear Malia and Sasha,
I know that you've both had a lot of fun these last two years on the campaign trail, going to picnics and parades and state fairs, eating all sorts of junk food your mother and I probably shouldn't have let you have. But I also know that it hasn't always been easy for you and Mom, and that as excited as you both are about that new puppy, it doesn't make up for all the time we've been apart. I know how much I've missed these past two years, and today I want to tell you a little more about why I decided to take our family on this journey.
When I was a young man, I thought life was all about me-about how I'd make my way in the world, become successful, and get the things I want. But then the two of you came into my world with all your curiosity and mischief and those smiles that never fail to fill my heart and light up my day. And suddenly, all my big plans for myself didn't seem so important anymore. I soon found that the greatest joy in my life was the joy I saw in yours. And I realized that my own life wouldn't count for much unless I was able to ensure that you had every opportunity for happiness and fulfillment in yours. In the end, girls, that's why I ran for President: because of what I want for you and for every child in this nation.
I want all our children to go to schools worthy of their potential-schools that challenge them, inspire them, and instill in them a sense of wonder about the world around them. I want them to have the chance to go to college-even if their parents aren't rich. And I want them to get good jobs: jobs that pay well and give them benefits like health care, jobs that let them spend time with their own kids and retire with dignity.
I want us to push the boundaries of discovery so that you'll live to see new technologies and inventions that improve our lives and make our planet cleaner and safer. And I want us to push our own human boundaries to reach beyond the divides of race and region, gender and religion that keep us from seeing the best in each other.
Sometimes we have to send our young men and women into war and other dangerous situations to protect our country-but when we do, I want to make sure that it is only for a very good reason, that we try our best to settle our differences with others peacefully, and that we do everything possible to keep our servicemen and women safe. And I want every child to understand that the blessings these brave Americans fight for are not free-that with the great privilege of being a citizen of this nation comes great responsibility.
That was the lesson your grandmother tried to teach me when I was your age, reading me the opening lines of the Declaration of Independence nd telling me about the men and women who marched for equality bcause they believed those words put to paper two centuries ago should mean something.
She helped me understand that America is great not because it is perfect but because it can always be made better-and that the unfinished work of perfecting our union falls to each of us. It's a charge we pass on to our children, coming closer with each new generation to what we know America should be.
I hope both of you will take up that work, righting the wrongs that you see and working to give others the chances you've had. Not just because you have an obligation to give something back to this country that has given our family so much-although you do have that obligation. But because you have an obligation to yourself. Because it is only when you hitch your wagon to something larger than yourself that you will realize your true potential.
These are the things I want for you-to grow up in a world with no limits on your dreams and no achievements beyond your reach, and to grow into compassionate, committed women who will help build that world. And I want every child to have the same chances to learn and dream and grow and thrive that you girls have. That's why I've taken our family on this great adventure.
I am so proud of both of you. I love you more than you can ever know. And I am grateful every day for your patience, poise, grace, and humor as we prepare to start our new life together in the White House.
Love, Dad
in America' By President-elect Barack Obama
Parade Magazine: Publication Date: 01/14/2009
Dear Malia and Sasha,
I know that you've both had a lot of fun these last two years on the campaign trail, going to picnics and parades and state fairs, eating all sorts of junk food your mother and I probably shouldn't have let you have. But I also know that it hasn't always been easy for you and Mom, and that as excited as you both are about that new puppy, it doesn't make up for all the time we've been apart. I know how much I've missed these past two years, and today I want to tell you a little more about why I decided to take our family on this journey.
When I was a young man, I thought life was all about me-about how I'd make my way in the world, become successful, and get the things I want. But then the two of you came into my world with all your curiosity and mischief and those smiles that never fail to fill my heart and light up my day. And suddenly, all my big plans for myself didn't seem so important anymore. I soon found that the greatest joy in my life was the joy I saw in yours. And I realized that my own life wouldn't count for much unless I was able to ensure that you had every opportunity for happiness and fulfillment in yours. In the end, girls, that's why I ran for President: because of what I want for you and for every child in this nation.
I want all our children to go to schools worthy of their potential-schools that challenge them, inspire them, and instill in them a sense of wonder about the world around them. I want them to have the chance to go to college-even if their parents aren't rich. And I want them to get good jobs: jobs that pay well and give them benefits like health care, jobs that let them spend time with their own kids and retire with dignity.
I want us to push the boundaries of discovery so that you'll live to see new technologies and inventions that improve our lives and make our planet cleaner and safer. And I want us to push our own human boundaries to reach beyond the divides of race and region, gender and religion that keep us from seeing the best in each other.
Sometimes we have to send our young men and women into war and other dangerous situations to protect our country-but when we do, I want to make sure that it is only for a very good reason, that we try our best to settle our differences with others peacefully, and that we do everything possible to keep our servicemen and women safe. And I want every child to understand that the blessings these brave Americans fight for are not free-that with the great privilege of being a citizen of this nation comes great responsibility.
That was the lesson your grandmother tried to teach me when I was your age, reading me the opening lines of the Declaration of Independence nd telling me about the men and women who marched for equality bcause they believed those words put to paper two centuries ago should mean something.
She helped me understand that America is great not because it is perfect but because it can always be made better-and that the unfinished work of perfecting our union falls to each of us. It's a charge we pass on to our children, coming closer with each new generation to what we know America should be.
I hope both of you will take up that work, righting the wrongs that you see and working to give others the chances you've had. Not just because you have an obligation to give something back to this country that has given our family so much-although you do have that obligation. But because you have an obligation to yourself. Because it is only when you hitch your wagon to something larger than yourself that you will realize your true potential.
These are the things I want for you-to grow up in a world with no limits on your dreams and no achievements beyond your reach, and to grow into compassionate, committed women who will help build that world. And I want every child to have the same chances to learn and dream and grow and thrive that you girls have. That's why I've taken our family on this great adventure.
I am so proud of both of you. I love you more than you can ever know. And I am grateful every day for your patience, poise, grace, and humor as we prepare to start our new life together in the White House.
Love, Dad
Friday, January 9, 2009
POLICE SHOOTING SPARKS PROTESTS
Well, it happened again - a white police officer shoots a black man which provokes a storm of protest from the community. In this case the community is Oakland, California, across the San Francisco Bay from where I live. And the police officer was employed by BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit). But the incident is particularly awful in that the man was shot in the back while in police custody and lying on his face on the concrete subway platform where he was apprehended for creating a disturbance on New Year's day. The man, Oscar Grant, was pronounced dead at a local hospital a few hours later. He was unarmed. The police officer has not been charged with any crime and now cannot be questioned or disciplined by the BART administration because he resigned abruptly while still in hidng. Oakland, a city adjacent to Berkeley, home of the Universityy of fCalifornia, has a diverse but heavily black population. The mayor, Ron Dellums is black. The chair of the BART supervisors is black. Both have gone on record acknowledging the tragic shooting. Both have asked the community to remain calm so they can restore order in the wake of protests that became violent at times and resulted in 100 people being injured and 300 businesses damaged. One resident said in exasperation, "This is like 1964 in the South all over again."
http://www.comcast.net/articles/news-national/20090109/Train.Station.Shooting/
http://www.comcast.net/articles/news-national/20090109/Train.Station.Shooting/
Sunday, January 4, 2009
DOUBT
I saw the movie "Doubt" tonight and I am certain only of this: Meryl Streep is still an outstanding actress!
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