I'm writing this because a very good friend of mine from my time in Cleveland took his life this week. I don't know why - not that it would alter my emotions - but according to a friend of his, Scott was having "difficulties." I myself was hospitalized twice in a psych unit in 1996 for suicidal ideation. I wanted to take my life because I was newly disabled and didn't see any future for myself. Fortunately, my psychiatrist did see a future for me and made sure I was safe and taken care of in the hospital. In a twist of irony, it was my friend Scott who drove me home after I was released the first time. On the way to my house he told me about a mutual friend of ours who had taken her life while I was in the hospital and I was shocked and deeply saddened that Shana would choose to sit in her garage with the engine running for some unknown reason. She had a new boyfriend and they seemed to be doing well together. When I finally saw him he was so grief-stricken that he could barely talk.
This is the part of suicide I think of most when I think about it not being painless: the tremendous hurt and grief it causes family members and friends who survive. Scott has two sons, both in Arizona where his former wife lives. The oldest boy, Thomas, is in college; the younger one, Allen, is about to graduate from high school. Whatever happiness or sense of accomplishment he would have felt at commencement will now be nearly blotted out by the shadow of grief hanging over his head.
Here is what I've learned about suicide: It often happens when the person feels there is no way out for whatever situation they are in. It could be a relationship issue, financial difficulties, a job loss, or even the death of other family members. What one needs in such a predicament is this:
1. To be surrounded by others who can help him or her see that their problem can be dealt with. There are all kinds of community resources and private practitioners who can provide counseling, debt consolidation or whatever. How many of us have lived through the break-up of a relationship, a divorce, the death of a loved one or a sudden job loss? There IS life after these things happen; the person contemplating suicide just doesn't see it.
There was a woman in the psych unit with me the first time who had slit her wrists in frustration because her husband had become unstable and she was overburdened with caring for him around the clock. Since I was newly disabled and being cared for by home health aides, I suggested to her that she could hire someone to look after her husband. Surprisingly, that idea had not occurred to her. Just think of all the stress, the grief and drama that could have been avoided had she known about home health agencies.
On the Caltrain tracks near where I live there are now signs posted at regular intervals that read, in both English and Spanish, "STOP! If you need help for a problem, call this number..."
I don't know what was troubling Scott. In all our emails, phone conversations and occasional face to face meetings over the last few years, he never mentioned anything. And this is the other thing one needs to do when feeling overwhelmed:
2. Get help. Let someone know what you are going through; don't be ashamed to ask for help - it is not a sign of weakness but of strength.
When I look back on my two incidents of nearly taking my life in 1996, I now realize several things:
- I could easily have been hurt and not dead - alive and in tremendous pain.
- I would have inflicted upon my family and friends a grief so terrible they would end up burdened for the rest of their lives
- I would have missed out on all the wonderful experiences I've had in the last 13 years - and all those that still await me.
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